Things I wish I could tell you
Hey.
One thing I learned a while ago was the 5:1 rule. For every one bad interaction, you should have 5 good interactions – and magnitude or intensity doesn’t matter here. This is used as a litmus test to recognize whether a relationship is healthy. I thought about this because of how I felt hurt again today. I had to ask you to check, as you said you removed me from your close friends on Instagram, where you post updates about your life. I was right; you didn’t re-add me, and you seemed coerced into doing it. I have given you a lot of benefit of the doubt, this time included – I want to think that you being quiet was you feeling bad for forgetting, or maybe you were focusing on doing it. But I don’t know how many times I can give you the benefit of the doubt, as at some point I think I’m deluding myself.
It would have been so much easier to believe these thoughts and not feel like you still want to push me away if you had shown you felt any sort of sympathy or remorse for this mistake. It would have been perfect if you had said something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I genuinely forgot. I know this is a hurtful thing, but this genuinely was a mistake I made, I’m sorry.” but I also don’t know if I can ever expect that out of you. It would have been great to even hear an acknowledgment that it was a mistake, but there was none. I don’t know what else to believe at this point.
You also said “and after I have processed this conversation more I will extend a better apology”, but that never came. The conversation ended up being me again preparing the right way to bring it up to you to make it as easy as possible for you, and you again didn’t follow through with your word. I don’t know what to feel anymore.
You’ve been an incredible friend, I used to think about how you’re one of the best friends I’ve met – but I don’t know what to feel anymore. I feel like you hurt me again and again, and you never seem to regret it or care about it enough to change. I know you’re putting in some effort, but I wish you understood how much effort I’ve put in. I don’t want to have to plan out what to say, or to have to constantly try to open communication. Today when we were going to call, part of me wanted to not because of how anxious I felt.
I feel trapped in the cycle of doing too much, and pushing myself to be a good friend, and it all gets taken for granted. I feel hurt that I always try to be thoughtful and mindful of you, and it feels like anything I ask of you is instantly forgotten.
I hate to write this, but I loved being friends with you. But recently things have just gotten worse, and I don’t know if this is ultimately something I would feel comfortable with. I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to interact with you ever, but I find myself no longer trusting you to give me that respect in several different ways, and arguably more concerning – I don’t feel comfortable talking to you on anything past a surface level. I miss my old friend, that person valued me and cared. I kinda don’t know who you are anymore.
I think if nothing changes when you finally respond, I’m going to start pulling away. I’m tired of reaching out to you and feeling more hurt by your indifference. I’ve tried, I really have.