Tokyo bar crawl
Tonight me and C went on a bar crawl, and he was drinking since noon (we left at midnight). He was incredibly drunk, and after the first two bars he was struggling to stand upright. The third bar we found was an all you can drink for just about $7 per 30 minutes, and we drank about 3 each until the thirty minutes was up. He went to the bathroom and I was talking to the waiter about her life and her experiences, as someone working the night shift at Japan. She was incredibly interesting, and I hope I don't fuck up her name as “iiya”. She was Korean and had lived in the Philippines and was currently in Japan for 6 months to a year on a work visa. She ideally wanted to live in Greece, funnily enough in Illios (from overwatch lol). It was fascinating to hear about another person's perspective so drastically different than my own, but right as we started to talk about the cultural pressure to be attractive she asked about C and if he was ok in the bathroom. He didn't lock it (thankfully) and was passed out on the floor of the bathroom. I had to cut out conversation short as he couldn't stand up and it was time to go home. I was sad I couldn't learn more about her perspective, but safety was more important. Honestly part of me wanted to get him to sit on the barstool and to keep talking but he's more important to me. We were somewhat of a walk from our Airbnb and so I had to support him on our walk back.
We got home with minimal sleeps from him, and I got to share the experience with L and A. But with that context out of the way I think I have a bit of space for drunk introspection. I've been weirdly afraid of A because of how much I trust her for lack of a better term. With her I have someone to tell things to, and also someone I feel comfortable asking for support from. It's kinda terrifying because what if I get used to that and then it goes away? I don't want to scare A off potentially by using this term so liberally, but let me at least preferace this: I have love for my friends, and also just generally everyone as a whole to varying degrees. That being said, I've loved A in a very gradual way. I was afraid of a firework relationship where it spikes and fizzles out, but as time has gone on I've cared for her more. I keep seeing things in Japan and just wanting to get her them. I just want to protect her and make sure she's happy I guess. It's that stupid hero complex, or being overly-compassionate, whatever you call it.
I don't know why I'm like this if I'm being honest. I care too much about other's feelings, and I struggle to prioritize my own. In an ironic twist I almost need someone to similarly take care of me, by regulating my own feelings from empathy alone. The alcohols taking a downturn as I'm starting to feel bad about myself. I wonder if being aware about the scientific effects on neurotransmitters lets us ignore them. Maybe me being aware of this lets me ignore it's effects. But at the same time there's a heavy pull for me to hate myself and I'm not sure why. I want to verbally abuse myself and give myself more reason to hate myself. I don't think I do but not from lack of effort. I hear both A and L whispering, but not enough to decipher what they're saying. I don't mention I can just them because I don't want them to feel perceived and I want them to enjoy this limbo rather than breaking it by acknowledging it. Another example of being overly compassionate. I don't know, I miss A however. I feel like I end each post in that vein “I don't know”. I do know, I just want to stop typing. How hypocritical I am, what a silly little creature.