A digital journal

Wanna Don't Wanna – Reignwolf

I know I’ve talked about this earlier, but I think music is an incredible way to feel connected, and validated. Recently I’ve been listening a lot to this song by Reignwolf, called Wanna don’t wanna. I wanted to make my daily post about how it relates to me. The chorus of the song goes:

I wanna die when I look in your face
Don't even try getting out of my way
It’s like you don't realize what you're doing to me
I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna, don't wanna, I wanna!

For me, this really resonated because specifically of when Tonia (my ex) ghosted me. I remember distinctly how many times I saw her the months after, all while commuting back and forth from classes. I remember how all the pain would instantly come back when I would see her, and how everything would come to a standstill for a bit, with just me alone in my head. She would actively try to avoid me, by hiding or trying to get away from me as fast as she could, and without ever getting closure it hurt all the more. I don’t think that she was intentionally trying to hurt me as efficiently as possible, she was probably just doing what she thought was in her best interest; but regardless it still cut deep. I think the parallels are fairly obvious to the first three lines, but for the last line it reminds me of the process of healing. I wanted so badly to reach out and try to ask her to talk, to figure out what happened and to give myself closure. I wanted to see her face, see if I could fix what happened. But ultimately I know that it would be so much worse if I did that; and that I shouldn’t. I was constantly faced with that contradictory desire, on one hand wanting so badly to talk to her and reopen that wound with the chance of closing it completely, while I also knew that what I was doing would only make it worse and so I shouldn’t.

I’m glad to say I’m fully over it now, but it feels nice to know that there is some art out there that has some semblance of meaning for my own struggles. It’s nice to know someone has gone through something similar to you, and that they were able to create something nice out of it.