Cubed
© Bryan Beal
Raymond was perplexed. Not just confused, but “question-the-very-foundation-of-your-life” bamboozled. As much as he tried to wrap his mind around it, any rational explanation that ended in “You're not off your rocker” eluded him. It eluded him for centuries. Raymond was not your most sophisticated Orator for the Diet of the Gathered Void, but even he should have worked this out by now. He even suspected that some of his so-called “friends” were having a go behind his back.
The odd thing was that it had been so long that he had almost forgotten what had caused the issues in the first place. They say ignorance is bliss and Raymond was actually quite fine with that. That was until Paige “I-Rule-and-You're-a-Fool” Hudson breezed into the situation. His disdain for her could not be overstated. After millennia upon millennia, one would think the Rubik's Cube would have got a bit old by now. But, no. Some, like Paige, actually figured that they were legends in their own minds because of their “feats” of speed. In his more reflective moments, Raymond often wonder what Paige would look like with a Rubik's Cube jammed in her throat. Would you be able to see the cube shape stretching her skin over the corners as she gasped and choked for oxygen? Raymond chuckled.
People in the twentieth century used to say that they were too old for some sort of shit in their lives. At least, that is what the old movies told them. And that was when they were only sixty or a bit more. Imagine how they would feel at a thousand or two plus that sixty. Raymond was not perplexed by this.
Paige walked into his office, and even with the image of the Rubik's Cube jammed into her throat, his heart rate soared like an eagle on the up drafts of a strong wind. Well, at least how he imagined one would soar. None had been seen for about a millennia and a half, thanks to some ignorant pricks who destroyed their habitats. He never knew what to say to the gorgeous, cubically distorted, woman who breezed into his life every day. No relationship for a thousand or so will work on your mind. Hell, a virgin at forty is nothing.
Raymond was perplexed. He wondered if people in the twenty-first century had similar psychoses. Probably not. They were a tougher breed back then. Raymond feebly waved to Paige and imagined the cube in her throat. She had such a nice looking neck.