Padone Eretik

I have had this post in mind for some weeks now. To be honest, I could not get the motivation to start it. It was no lack of direction. It was my mere laziness; usually a sure sign I need to get to it.

Thanks to Covid, my old job, teaching English (ESOL) to international students, was put at risk. Rather than waiting for my school to close down, as so many had, I decided to join the rats fleeing a sinking ship and change careers. It was not a huge leap, as I ended up in secondary education. Therein lies the essence of this post.

Like the AI teacher in the image, I felt lost and cast adrift in a sea filled with my own inadequacies. It was while desperately trying to tread water that most days meant I seriously questioned what the hell I was doing in that classroom and in that place. Then, 2023 happened.

In my second year of teaching, the problems and my dislike for the job ramped up exponentially. At times, I felt control ripped from my fingers as I wallowed in uncertainty and anxiety. Those around me noticed and did their level best to be there for me. That is the great thing about teaching: your team, if you are blessed as I was and am, are an infinite source of support, protection and grace. Yet, the dark mist did not lift from my soul.

All through that year, 2023 was characterised by one prayer from me: why am I here, Jesus? The silence was imposing. It was terrifying.

And this all happened with clear direction from the Lord that my position, my career choice and where He had me was exactly as He wished them to be.

It was a few weeks ago when Jesus finally broke His silence. Isaiah 54:5 was the verse and the key word the Lord jammed into my mind was redeemer. The Lord told me in no uncertain terms that my redemption was being worked out through the stresses and pain that I was enduring. A whole flood of Second Testament verses jostled for position in my mind and my desire to punch James (the author of the Epistle, not a colleague) in the face instantly dropped away.

The Lord reminded of a prayer I had prayed back in 2022 (10th October, to be exact). On that day, I had been dissatisfied with my growth as a Christian. I asked God to, I quote, tear me apart and do what He wants to make me the person He wants me to be. I even remember Him telling me on that day to seal the prayer with a wax seal that I have. You might be giving yourself and facepalm and shaking your head right now. I get it.

The day after Isaiah 54:5 ripped open the curtains, I happened to be at a different church. The lady preaching the word that morning had had her message all planned out and ready to roll. Until the Lord told her that morning that He had a different message. Her words were like she was speaking to me alone – I was stunned. It built upon what the Lord had already been saying and let me know that I also needed to see things in a different light.

Has this ended the stress and trouble that I feel? No. However, knowing something of the Lord's rationale and reason has meant that I am much calmer about it.

Only this week, the Lord has dropped something of His longer term plan for me. Previously, I just knew that God wanted me in this profession of teaching. I had no plans other than survive the week and try not to keep driving past when I should turn into the school carpark. This week, I finally have a small hint of a vision of what the Lord wants me doing and how I can serve His kingdom.

Just to be clear here, I have not had a vision for my life, with Jesus or otherwise, since 1998. I have spent that time just living from moment to moment, day to day. I have hardly cared whether I lived or not. It makes no difference when you have no vision. This is a big development.

I want to make a couple of points here. First, be careful what you pray for. There is great risk in praying something like I did, (I didn't realise that at the time). Second, trust the Lord. If you know He has got you where you are, then trust that. Do not let the circumstances overwhelm you. I had to wait a couple of years before Jesus told me anything about why I was teaching. He will reveal things to you, but it will be in His time.

Whatever you are going through, if you need prayer, reach out to me. You can find where in the Socials page. God bless you and keep you in Jesus' glorious name.