Taking on a stubborn obstacle
[Updated – 5/1/22]
As promised, here's how I've been dealing in recent months with the fear of a recurrence of the medical issue I detailed. As mentioned, most of my work with it has involved some blend of CBT and the distinctive exercises of the JWH protocol. Though few readers are likely to have to contend with exactly the same fear, I hope outlining this process may provide ideas to help others contend with their own fears.
So I boiled the fear down to the thought: “It could happen again, and it could kill me.”
This dysfunctional thought required some helpful, rational thoughts to counter it. I tried out a variety of them along the way. Ultimately they came down, more or less, to the following lists. I'll not bore you with the details underlying some of these counters (e.g., detailed reasons to believe a recurrence is unlikely, preventive measures I am taking...):
Standard style CBT counters
There is no obstruction [This fundamental counter to the dysfunctional thought is, I believe, right in line with the JWH protocol in its emphasis on finding reassurance that you're not unsafe in the sense of being at any immediate risk of dying.]
If an obstruction does happen it won't, in fact, kill me because, as demonstrated last time, it is easily treated and resolved.
Given all the preventive measures I'm taking, the chance of a recurrence in, say, the next year is very low.
I've now gone about 260 days without a recurrence. Time to accept that a recurrence is very unlikely.
Over that time every single tiny abdominal ache or pain (let's say two per day for 520), which I have often tended to respond to with catastrophizing thoughts of a recurrence, has proven to be a false alarm. That should tell me something.
While there remains a small possibility of a recurrence, it is no different from other things that can happen but that are not worth worrying about. (Lightning strike, hit by car, bad slip and fall injury, heart attack, etc., none of which concern me though all are actually worse than a repeat of the obstruction.)
Thoughts directly concerning letting go of the fear
There is absolutely no advantage, no plus, no positive utility in clinging to the fear. It's actually damaging and destructive. Meanwhile there are major pluses, advantages to letting go of the fear and allowing myself to feel safe. In fact it actually makes me safer.
Hanging onto the fear is rationally the wrong thing to do. I want to do the right thing, don't I?
Life's too short to live in fear. I have the chance to live with joy and love instead.
Thoughts of other sorts
What would you tell a friend struggling with the same fear? [This is a common CBT technique.] Answer: “There is absolutely no upside and lots of downside to holding onto the fear. Letting go of it is pure upside. This is a slam dunk.”
I asked my invisible Friend what she suggested: Answer: “Much as you'd tell a friend, I strongly encourage you to let go of the fear. You know me. You know I love you. You know I know what I'm talking about. And you know you can trust me. Let it go, and you'll be glad you did.”
The obstruction is really a gift. I'm grateful for it. Once I overcome the fear of a recurrence, my sense of safety will be all the stronger for the work I put into getting past this obstacle.
Update – 5/1/22: I neglected to include here what actually may have been one of the most important of these interventions. That is, my conversations with my Friend about whether she was keeping me safe. I referred to those conversations in this initial post about the medical issue. I think I neglected to mention them here because I had drifted away from them in favor of more standard CBT. I think that was a mistake. Those conversations were initially my main intervention in attempting to restore my feeling of safety. And in fact pause did turn off for me again just a few weeks after my hospital experience. So those dialogues may well have played a large role in that progress. The upshot of those conversations was along the lines that, yes, my Friend had been keeping me safe because, after all, I made it safely through the experience.
So those are the primary CBT and related counters I've used regarding this issue. Since there are quite a few, I haven't often tried to run through all of them at one time, but have instead emphasized those that seemed good most helpful at a given time. This work has been beneficial, perhaps even essential, as an adjunct to the core exercises of the JWH protocol, in working my way back toward a solid feeling of safety. For a good deal of material on self-administered CBT, see this prior post.
But it's a tricky issue, rather subtle but pernicious. For instance, I've had the distinct impression the fear has often been habitually activated as I have approached turning off pause. My mind flips to a quick visual image of myself experiencing an abdominal pain, along with a kind of somatic memory of the pain. And it's been my impression that this has tended to prevent pause from successfully turning off. To counter this habit I've been applying variations on the notice-shift-rewire technique linked to in this prior post.
Always changing
That said, my process always seems to be evolving, and I have recently been mulling over the possibility that I have now spent more than enough time with such CBT-style counters to this one fear. So, spurred by the relatively long stretch I have lately spent on pause, I have just recently returned to a strong emphasis on the centrality of the core exercises of the protocol. After all, those exercises should, in theory, be enough in themselves to promote a sufficient sense of safety. And they were my main focus the last few times I turned off pause. (I'm even considering the possibility that it may be largely other issues that have lately been keeping me on pause.)
As I write this my main focus is twofold, both elements emphasizing my relationship with my invisible Friend: First, I'm trying to immerse myself in the realization that I can feel safe with my Friend to talk with a level of spontaneity that has been generally a bit foreign to me. Second, I'm reinvigorating a focus on letting my Friend guide me as completely as possible. So the journey continues...