A gift to ourselves in motherhood ( my Mother’s Day musings) :
The gift I am speaking of, is grace. I have known of God’s grace for while . However, I have only learned about the concept of giving oneself grace and have been trying to consciously implement it in my life for a few years. I still have to remind myself of grace every day (fun fact: it is also my daughter’s middle name). Giving yourself grace is harder than you would think it would be but it is so vital to our
well being , especially as mothers. We are often the hardest on ourselves. I attended an amazing women physician’s conference last fall @becomebravenough that also helped me gain more insight on this.
This week has been hard for many reasons. Heck , it’s been a hard few months (??) now for everyone. And we are still are the lucky ones. Perhaps you’ve been like me and have been going to work along with your spouse, all the while worrying about your school-goer fending for themselves for the most part at home, being left to manage virtual learning on their own and perhaps you had no choice but to entrust a caregiver for your little one, necessitating you breaking your strict social distancing rule during this pandemic . I have had the privilege to continue to work (although many days I wish I had the option to work from home) but no one knows better than my friends on the frontline, whom I admire so much , the added stress of taking painstaking measures to protect yourself and your patients and hoping it is enough. Perhaps you are struggling at home, trying to work and multitasking between zoom meetings, taking care of the family and virtual teaching. I feel my heart is always in at least two different places on any given day but it seems to be more widely scattered these days. All of the above read: mother’s guilt. There is so much uncertainty these days. Last but not least, perhaps you are the probably the bravest of the souls; a stay at home mom, juggling the many hats you wear and then some and now left with little to no escape. We all find ourselves fulfilling the role of caregiver, housekeeper (because the house has never been so messy), chef , manager, organizer and now teacher. Most days, we handle it because we are bosses and if we are fortunate , we also have equal , invested life partners . Then there are days with unending tantrums. This mother’s day happened to be one of them.
I am sure you’ve noticed that any holiday or celebration of significance ( birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day) has the ability to intensify the feelings that we already harbor or even hoist up those lurking under the surface. Like how was it that an almost identical day prior was so easily near perfect? On Saturday, I felt like I was winning the title of super mom or do I dare say , the coveted Pinterest mom. And then Sunday, was the complete opposite, to say the least . I might as well disclose that the thought did cross my mind to title whatever this post is as : Happy $&@@@ Mother’s Day! I am only half joking.
I took pictures like all of you...beautiful pictures, adorned perfectly with gourmet food spreads fancy flowers and dazzling smiles. Those pictures are not lies and are real moments. Precious memories. But in my experience, those perfect moments are sometimes interlaced and embedded within moments of sheer chaos, frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, guilt etc. The truth behind my pictures is that I woke up incredibly blessed to have my four babies in bed with me to wish me and shower me with thoughtful gifts (that my husband who had been working all weekend somehow managed to get). I love my kids but they are the prototype of the term “spirited or strong willed “. Yes, I even bought the book “Raising your spirited child” after having my first born. I thought surely, the second child would be easier but the universe blessed us with a delightful little girl, who gives even her mischievous brother, a run for his money. We all know, there are no “easy kids”. I believe all kids are spirited to varying degrees. However, “spirited” kids by temperament, are extremely sensitive , perceptive , resist transitions and are very persistent. They can sense your mood before you even realize it yourself. I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world; just as you wouldn’t. They are kind, vibrant, affectionate, funny and smart . We all know parenting is never easy. I have immense respect for my super-mom friends who have a special needs child. I cannot begin to fathom the additional challenges that they face on the daily. Anyhow, the stage was already set this morning, for the perfect storm, with me in the center, trying and slowly failing to be the quiet eye of the storm. I was desperately trying to remember all the parenting tips that I had learned and all the books I have read , like “How To Stop Losing Your shit With Your Kids” and “Girl, wash your face”. So, I try to notice the tension rising , then try to pause and do anything else in order to prevent you know what. My nine-year-old temporarily lost all his electronic privileges the night before . So, naturally, there was some sulking and whining and panicking ( his dad indicated it could be permanent) right from the outset. With some coercion, talks about responsibility and how he could earn his privileges back, we made it to the kitchen and I successfully recruited his help for breakfast. It was lovely- but it did not last long. We made chocolate chip waffles and he made us scrambled eggs and his famous nutella banana sandwich for his sister. By then, the little one was in a mood of her own and the first of several tantrums ( aka shrill outbursts and full on terrible twos melt down) ensued . We distracted ourselves with bubbles and water play and chalk . I even foolishly attempted a little bit of poolside mommy and me yoga. This usually is just a fancy term for me doing the down-dog with her yanking my hair to pull me up and giggle. Repeatedly.
Let me just say, our household is not for the faint hearted, as prior sitters and grandparents can attest to. We also have very spirited pets ... a high strung, needy yorkie whose barking (yelping) knows no bounds and a very vocal, entitled but adorable cat . Hence, it is not only guaranteed that you will be cleaning up a lot of animal waste , originating from 3 different species, inside and outside the house ( including hair balls galore) , but also, any time drama of any sort ensues , there will be accompanying loud, incessant barking and meowing that serve only to bring the stress level ( and decibels) up a notch or two. After the said yoga, bubbles and chalk drawing sessions, I bravely attempted bath-time for my daughter.
Bad decision. We have pretty much given up on indoor baths for her and resorted to hosing her down on the patio ( good thing we now live in Florida) due to her griping fear of the bathtub/shower. Believe me, we have tried everything. I was disheveled and defeated by the end of it all and surprise, surprise, there was no usual reprieve with nap time.
On most days, motherhood feels like waves lapping over rocks , steadily smoothing out the rough edges . But at times like these, it is unrelenting . You are pulled and stretched to your capacity and beyond , physically ( think: nursing and sleepless nights) and emotionally, all the while, being hit with beachball sized hail stones created by your own worst potential enemy – your mind . A zillion hurtful, unhelpful thoughts, in addition to the mental load of to-dos, swirl round and round ... “I must be a terrible mom... why cant I be like ...I should have/could have/would have...”, etc. In those seconds and minutes, you feel like you can’t bear it longer. But you hang on and then somehow, something shifts , the skies open up and the sun rays filters though ( or perhaps your toddler’s much awaited bowel movement, hallelujah). There’s forgiveness for all. You look at your kids and count your blessings. You take a deep breath and all that remains is love and gratitude. I have to say, I dreamed of being stranded on an island alone for a moment or two. Or better yet,wished that my husband was home, so he would grant me the luxury of sleeping in and make me his glorious, decadent reserved-for-weekends-only omelet. But I will take all of it... because the good always outweighs the bad and the joy supersedes the pain. And because it is teaching me valuable lessons on being a better human, mom, me.
The pressure that we put on for holidays and celebrations, wanting them to be perfect and wanting us to feel perfect, can impact us negatively. Of course, these are first world problems but all too common not to discuss . So, what does giving yourself Grace mean? To me, it means allowing yourself space to uncoil or recoil (whatever u need), allowing yourself to wallow, even if for a moment, in a frivolous ( but surely, it is not) pitty party and accepting imperfection as the way of life. It means forgiving yourself for perceived failures. Grace, is understanding that you are doing your best , even in your worst moments because deep down you know you yearn and will strive to do better the next time around. Our children don’t want to be anywhere else but in our arms ( or flailing on the floor in tears -right next to us), even at the worst times. Because no matter what, they find the most comfort and solace in our embrace in this uncertain and scary world. When we give ourselves that grace, maybe they are also able to see that that scary, uncertain world can be beautiful and magical and full of possibilities. We give them the power to create that for themselves. We give ourselves the freedom to liberate and separate from imaginary, ill-conceived “ideals” and the bonds /chains we and society place on us.
It’s so easy to think, that the grass is greener everywhere else. That everyone else has the perfect life, relationships and the perfect celebrations . Especially in this era of social media. No wonder we struggle and beat ourselves up, trying to run that rat race that has no finish line, letting comparison steal our joy and striving for perfection that doesn’t exist. We are all human and we struggle. Some, more than others. Some, openly and some, behind closed doors. But we are what make the world go round.
Happy Mother’s day every day to all the self-sacrificing , hard-working, loving mamas and those who mother and are mothers at heart. A special shout out to all the mamas in Health Care and of course to my mommy and Ma ( MIL) who exemplify motherhood in their individual ways. Motherhood is complex, diverse and unique. So, may we uplift and support each other.
@rheumiemama