silverdog

I am good at recognising patterns. I don't have a genius level IQ or anything, but I am observant and analytical by nature, and I think a lot about what speaks to me when I go about my day. I believe that my key trait in justifying me typing like I know something you don't, is my sensitivity. From the time i was a child i have always been hyper-sensitive to my emotions, positive or negative. While life is impossible to navigate before you get a handle on yourself if you are like me, once the worst has passed and you learn to live with yourself, doors of perception open. I found myself searching for truth, whatever that was.

The thing about surface-level truth is that it can really be anything. Someone's belief is their belief, and if it makes sense in their eyes, it is real. Who's to say it isn't? Luckily for me I got that part fairly quickly. Start telling everyone they're wrong is just dumb (for laymen like you and me. Can be done by pros if EXTREME caution is utilised.) Yet, the way things played out didn't really match what people said. The implication being that there was things people didn't talk about, or even actively misdirected from. At times i had to reject my own intuition, and follow the flow. I didn't know any better, I thought everyone was as sensitive as me, and it was just me that didn't get it.

I've always wanted to be loved and revered. However i've rarely had the means to invoke that feeling in my peers. Long story short i was an annoying shit-kid. Mouthy, lazy, sensitive and unwilling to adapt to the order of things to get its benefits. I never put in the work, even though i wanted to. I just couldn't focus, yet i wanted the fruits of labour, so i started preaching and mimicking those at the top. Inevitably though, i got sniffed out every time. And every time I got beat down a little bit. There is a lesson in humility to be learned here. I didn't, for a long time. If one can't accept a deep truth, reality will force it down your throat, forever, until you notice it and manage to swallow it. Until then, you will walk around feeling like you are choking.

The dissonance between needing to be respected and liked while simultaneously embodying the things that manifest the exact opposite broke me badly. But i eventually learned humility, after crashing my head in a wall a million times.

In understanding myself, I wanted to go deeper. To see what really lied beneath the surface, and what caused me to be who I am. I think that introspective and philosophical pursuits are a result from you not getting what you truly want and need in life, for whatever reason. A cope, if you will. Consciousness in its raw and intended purpose is forced upon you when the ego is shattered. Gaining somewhat of an understanding of your situation and the world might help you realign and leverage yourself properly. That's what i'm doing now, i think.

In my quest for wisdom i found things about myself and others that weren't pretty. The realisations weighted on my naive self like giant rocks on my shoulders. But once they were there in their full forms, free from delusions and cope, there was a bit of relief in the weight. There was a purpose in the pain, finally. I had been broken down before by my own deceptions. This was hard, but that's because it was a voluntary burden. Compared to drowning in chaos forced upon you? it didn't even come close. And the best part? Day by day, the weight lessened.

With the increasing autonomy of my thinking i realise day by day how much i've strayed off my own path. In a way things get more painful, but it's a different pain. A very manageable one, and one i can negotiate with. I can train myself to endure and transcend this one. That is because there is meaning and truth to match the pain.