Welcome to the Family: My Abuse Story

This post has become a “living document” that gets added to when needed. It details various events with supporting evidence from letters, emails, public talks and personal journal entries. Though this is a therapeutic endeavour, I must stress that it is of a personal nature, raw with emotion, often coming from a place of hurt and is highly opinionated; while at the same time trying to interpret and understand various events and experiences.

This document is not public facing and is only meant for me and a select few (if any).

Finally, as this has become a long post, I have provided the following links to break it up and make it easier to come back to specific sections.

Last Updated: Winter 2024

Intro | Emotional Abuse | Spiritual Abuse | Saying the Quiet Part | Insincerity & Narcissism | Boundaries & Final Thoughts

Where do I start?

A few years ago, I was experiencing a high level of anxiety and thoughts of self-harm, along with some weird physiological stuff (hand tremors and decreased cognitive function). I knew a lot of this was brought on by years of stress and emotional trauma. After another traumatic event, I felt things spiralling further, so I decided to get help. While working with a psychologist alongside my family doctor, I got a diagnosis. I began a treatment program that included therapy, some lifestyle changes, and anti-depression medication.

As I progressed through therapy, a constant pain point kept on reappearing. Toxic people. Toxic relationships. It became apparent that I'm a magnet for toxicity.

Initially, I was worried that I was the toxic one and brought a lot of this onto myself. However, the psychologist explained to me that I was an “empath,” or a highly empathetic person. Empaths tend to leave themselves constantly open to the machinations of toxic people. This made a lot of sense given the history of toxicity that I have experienced with my uncle in Australia, some 'church folk' from my time in ministry and also my inlaws.

I don't have a great relationship with my inlaws. As I unpacked a lot of this stuff, I saw that a lot of the spiritual and emotional trauma in my life has come from their hands.

And It's not that I didn't want to have a good relationship with them. I was excited that I was marrying into a family that supposedly shared the same faith, a father-in-law who enjoyed history, theology and politics, things that I believed were similar values and interests. I was always coming to Canada to marry my beautiful wife, Jen, I had no reservations about that, but these were some of the “extras” that I believed would help make moving to the other side of the world much easier.

I was wrong. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was lacking, insufficient, and disappointing – and as such, they subtly communicated this over the years.

It took me over a decade to admit this, mainly out of fear of hurting my wife as well as being labelled the problem, but the relationship with my inlaws has been both extremely emotional and spiritually abusive. From day one, this relationship was built on a foundation of shame, condemnation, disrespect and manipulation. It has been very soul-crushing and life-draining. A cause of so much pain for me and our small family. As time marched on, I felt my soul, joy, and even health slowly erode with the ebbs and flows of the abuse.

You're Not Worth It – The Emotional Abuse. {↑}

In those early days, I was essentially made to feel worthless (and spiritually favourless) because our family was not affluent. This was communicated repeatedly by the constant digs about our home and possessions, my wages, and the subtle and unwanted comparisons to more well-off family members. For the longest time, my mother-in-law wouldn't shut up about money and possessions, especially what the 'cousins' had and what we lacked.

I still vividly remember when my mother-in-law drove me to work during that first month in Canada. I was very thankful for the ride, as I still needed to get my driver's license – but boy, did she make it known that the $14.20/hour I was getting was not good enough. Even though it was my first job in a new country...

Another good example was when my mum and sister were visiting, and they commented, “My daughter's life hasn't turned out the way she wanted.” Constantly griping about our small family and life situation. My mum and sister were so hurt by what they heard that they vowed never to revisit them. And I really don't blame them.

Like really?!?! Who does that? Who has the gall to point out to someone's visiting family that their child is worthless? A failure because they don't meet your expectations?

That being said, my wife has never communicated that she is disappointed in her life. I have learned, over the years, that material wealth (and power) is very important to my inlaws, especially in regard to the status of spiritual blessing in their lives. Their status with God is reflected in the stuff or influence that they have. Unfortunately, that is the horrible lie of the prosperity gospel. And I hate that we have been measured against that lie.

And so what if I'm currently a stay-at-home parent? Yes, it's not what I envisioned, but I have worked hard at it and tried to give my family my best. Not perfectly, as I constantly fail, but I do try. It has allowed me to be more involved in my kids' lives – something that many dads don't have. To give love and spiritual guidance as best as I can. I have done this while trying to return to school, retrain, and change careers. But to them, that doesn't matter.

When I worked in Christian ministry, my inlaws didn't really care. Following my calling into the preaching and ministry of the Word would have surely curried some favour with them. But I guess I was wrong...

They only ever visited the churches that I pastored twice (and one time was for the dedication of two of my girls). They have yet to listen to any of my sermons. They only really took an interest in what I was doing if they could get something out of it (e.g. Curriculum, VBS/Soccer Camp stuff) or if there was a problem to fix. You know, tangible stuff that could bring them accolades at their church or give them an increased sense of self-worth and importance.

Then, some years ago, when everything hit the “proverbial fan” in our last pastorate, we were hurt and needed support, and we got 8 months of silence. Nothing said. No reaching out. No love. We were in one of the darkest of times, reeling from a lot of hurt and had to rely on the love and support of my family 13,500 km away in Australia.

We desperately needed our family. We needed their encouragement and support. However, from what my inlaws communicated through their silence and distance – we weren't worth the effort...

The same can be said for the recent COVID-19 pandemic. They barely reached out to see how our family was doing – their daughter, who is a pediatric ICU nurse (who got redeployed twice to work the COVID units) or their grandkids, who had their young lives uprooted. As for me, well, I got nothing; no calls, no emails. No encouragement to see how I was doing at home, teaching 3 kids (one with special needs) as schools went online. The only reaching out that I got from them was related to my job search.

I also don't buy this whole interest in my job search either. As I said above, it's purely about being a means to an end to uplift them. In fact, when we were visiting one time, I was studying for a major Infosec certification – something I had been doing for over a year. I tried really hard to use this to connect with my father-in-law in conversation – a guy who has an office wall full of certifications, who has had to repeatedly retrain and upgrade – only to be met with mean-spirited negativity. “It's a waste of money, and you're wasting your time.” You'd think someone with his work history would be a little more supportive and encouraging.

I also had the exam the next day. Did he reach out to see how it went? Absolutely not. (I passed if you're wondering).

Back to the pandemic, when our family tested positive for COVID in January 2022, we were met with my mother-in-law repeatedly asking, “It's just like a cold, right?”

Thankfully, that first infection was mild. Then, after a week, and only due to the insistence of extended family, did they finally check up on us. Regardless of their politics or thoughts on COVID, it really hurt to see their beliefs take precedence over loving their family and showing concern for our well-being.

Furthermore, you'll see throughout this post that my inlaws have spun this grand narrative that we cut them off because of COVID. That is absolutely not true. We pursued them a lot, as you will see below.

The truth is, they stopped visiting us two years before COVID. As pointed out above, they have been absent in our lives. Over the years, we have encouraged them to call and set up weekly connections with the girls. But nothing ever comes from it – we are just met with months of silence until they usually want something or need to complain or gossip about someone. On holidays like Christmas, etc., the onus was always on us to travel to them – even when the weather was bad and put our well-being at risk.

You see, we aren't worth the time or effort to pursue because we don't meet their expectations or make the relationship solely about them. It's a one-way street for their benefit.

But I think the most telling sign that we “weren't worth the effort” came out after my mother-in-law passed away in early 2024. Throughout this piece, you will see how broken and dysfunctional our relationship with my inlaws has been. At the end of it, there was no effort on their part to seek reconciliation with us. We were expected to swallow our hurt and let them back into our lives without any form of repentance (or apology or acknowledgment of past hurts). Unfortunately, they were defiantly proud, stubborn and absent to the very end.

What hurt most was that we learned about my mother-in-law's “special” relationship with one of her nieces. We heard about the closeness, the love, and the investment and were left hurt and wondering, “Wasn't our family worth having the same investment – especially my wife and children?” It seemed like a cruel final twist of the knife.

We weren't worth the effort...

Now, though I have not always acted honourably and have at times lashed out in my pain, sometimes very angrily – I have sincerely tried to make this relationship work. Yes, I have said stuff. Perhaps I have occasionally trolled my father-in-law online because of his political ranting and promoting of conspiracy theories. Though I can't entirely agree with much of what he says, I shouldn't act like a jerk. I shouldn't bite back in response to the hurt they have caused.

Honestly, though, I have tried to show love toward my inlaws. I have pursued them a lot over the years to show that I care.

When my father-in-law lost his job, I emailed or Facebook messaged him regularly to see how I could pray for him. I read his MTh thesis, tried to connect over politics and history, listened to most of the talks that they gave at their church, helped with said ministry resources, listened to their problems, made meals for them, drove 6 hours to deliver a Christmas package at the height of the pandemic when my mother-in-law was incredibly sick, and the restrictions prevented us all from visiting. Oh yeah, in those early days, when my wife happened to be working on their birthdays, I would usually take the initiative to get the girls to call them.

And at the beginning of the pandemic, I regularly emailed to see how they were. I was legitimately concerned about their health, the isolation and even how it affected them spiritually. I sent links to sermons and even invited my father-in-law (3 times) to an international online men's Bible study that my dad and I were doing. I got nothing in return from my father-in-law, not even a thank you. You can see one of the invites here. (click to view)

What I did get in return, however, was a vitriolic spray about how people are stupid, believing a lie and how the church is powerless and living in fear. Yup, an angry spray with zero concern shown to others or even their nearby family.

Then, there was my email politely asking them to reconsider getting the vaccine out of nothing but love and concern. That ended up being a really bad mistake on my part, as I was met with a disgusting passive-aggressive response in regard to an inheritance from my mother-in-law. We have never expected or come to my inlaws for any financial help! But my mother-in-law likes to use money to flex her authority (You'll see more about that below).

And let's not forget that when my dad passed away, my father and sister-in-law couldn't even reach out to see how I was or extend any form of sympathy. Even I showed them some form of sympathy and love when my mother-in-law passed away... but all I got was silence until my wife called them out on their crappiness two weeks later.

Again, just not worth the effort...

Now, one of the main traumatic events that led me to have a mental health crisis (read: nervous breakdown) happened just before Easter in 2017.

I was working with at-risk kids at that time for a Christian social non-profit. Though it was stressful and hard with all the brokenness, at times difficult with some of the team dysfunction, it was the most rewarding job I had ever had. I absolutely loved it. At this time, we were having some major discipline issues with a few of the kids. As a staff team, we went through some frustrating times trying to navigate these issues. Very frustrating times. My mother-in-law got wind of this and decided to take it upon herself to deal with the situation. Yes, you can probably guess where this is going.

She decided to write a very inflamed and accusative letter to the executive director of the non-profit – based incorrectly on the bits and pieces that she had heard from my wife. Lots of bold text and underlining to get her point across – like a tantruming child. Lots of errors and misconceptions that really became ungodly slander toward my manager (and co-workers) at the time.

And going back to the money thing – she also threatened to stop donating to them. Money was used as a weapon again, similar to the 'inheritance' attack on my wife and me during the pandemic.

(If the above doesn't load, you can read the letter here.)

This is a good example of the disrespect we are always shown because “Mother knows best” – to quote the song from Disney's Tangled. In their eyes, I could not do the job I was actually good at, so they had to step in and save the day. There are further examples of this attitude throughout the years below.

“If there is any way we can help you “fix it,” we would be more than willing to do so.”

Wow! Can you say Messiah complex?

But that is their attitude towards life, including our small family. If anything doesn't conform to their expectations...then it needs fixing.

Furthermore, this all happened after my wife specifically asked her TWICE not to get involved. She didn't even call me to clarify any of it. She just wrote the letter and sent it.

What was even worse was the ungodly pride and justification of her actions in her response to us after she did the deed. See the image below (click to enlarge):

It is funny, in a cringe-worthy kind of way, that she said “Reliable Source.” How is gleaning from the already selective tidbits my wife has told you considered reliable? They just believed what they wanted to believe – without any verification, without any thought or prayerful consideration.

Then there is the whole “hiding” or “protecting” the source of information thing. Like that would work. I was on a small staff team... This “source” was always going to get revealed.

If you need to hide it, isn't that a clear indication that it might be wrong? That your actions might not actually show integrity and godly character? That you weren't actually listening to the Holy Spirit in this instance? The Holy Spirit doesn't produce fruit in the form of arrogance, gracelessness and impulsivity.

Well, no surprises there, as everything blew up. I was branded a gossip and someone who sows discord, someone who is disloyal and disrespects leadership (if you know me well enough, you know that this caricature is not true). I was mercilessly mocked for supposedly getting my mother-in-law to do my dirty work. That is absolutely not true. I lost some really good friends with whom I prayed and shared dreams about ministry. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids I worked with for almost 4 years. I lost my community, reputation, and career – all because my inlaws had that messiah complex and made my job about them. And let's not forget the consequences it also had for the ministry, other staff and the kids involved. Their horrible selfishness affected a lot of people, not just our family.

I feel absolute shame and fear when I talk to church folk about my previous ministry. Church circles are small. Word has got around. I don't think I could ever work in ministry in this province again because of my tarnished reputation and their actions.

It shouldn't be like that in the church, but unfortunately, it is. Thanks, Mom.

So what's the fruit of all of this? Hmm...

These events led to a public meltdown in front of my children when we were doing a family activity. I don't remember much outside of sitting fully clothed in the shower bawling or afterwards laying on the bed with my concerned mum and dad trying to get through to me over the phone. Something that day broke inside of me. It was a long time coming, and I don't think I have ever really recovered from it. In fact, I had contemplated taking my own life after this incident.

There is another example that I will share further on, in regards to spiritual abuse, but it also applies here too. They wrote a letter to my parents years before, trying to enlist their help in dissuading us from going to a particular country as missionaries. Purely because my judgment and assessment of the situation were wrong in their eyes (not to mention the spiritual aspect of their argument).

Once again, they couldn't show me respect by coming and talking to me about it. Like always, they chose not to listen or understand and decided to fix and circumvent my wife and me because of their pride. They constantly fill their need to be correct and in control via manipulation and have some form of authority over us.

We have received numerous letters like that over the years... One might think that they don't trust us enough with our lives.

My wife has also had to deal with a lot of this kind of behaviour regarding parenting. She has often been met with criticism because something isn't right with our kids or with unsolicited advice from the worst possible sources via my mother-in-law. Usually, this advice comes from one of her friends, who has a highly dysfunctional family.

Like really?!? We aren't taking advice from a woman whose daughter, by your own telling, took out a restraining order and looked to emancipate herself from her mother. But because she is a “church” friend, she seemingly has spiritual clout or something, and we just needed to listen to her advice.

Shot Through The Heart – The Spiritual Abuse {↑}

I will be upfront and blunt with this – my inlaws are spiritually abusive. They will take the things of faith – amazingly good things from God – and turn them into a mechanism of shame and condemnation. They will twist the truths of the Gospel, the Character of God and one's own spiritual identity to manipulate and tear down.

I think the following tweets from psychologist Diane Langberg highlight this fact pretty well:

I recently learned during a conversation with my wife and her parents that even before they had met me, they were questioning my faith and upbringing based on the church tradition that I was brought up in.

I come from a good Christian family. My dad was a church elder. My mum was the church secretary. Faith was central to my upbringing. My parents modelled Christlike love and service throughout my entire early life. Generosity, humility and pastoral care. My family isn't perfect either. We have our issues also. Like any family, there is sin and a desperate need for God's grace.

My dad, who would “turn in his grave” at me saying this, exemplified what a pastor (and the pastoral gift) looked like even – though he officially wasn't one. He just lovingly served and cared for people. My dad influenced me so much in that regard, more than any other Godly man has throughout my life.

Titles and ordinations don't mean a thing if you don't have godly character, love and humility behind them. Too many crappy people have the title “pastor” before their name. Unqualified, spiritually immature men and women who lack godly character, desire power, and have no sense of emotional or social intelligence. People like this should not be leaders in the church – in fact, they shouldn't be leaders in any venue. Period.

Now I hate that I must defend myself, my family of origin and my upbringing this way. However, my inlaws have had many misconceptions about me since day one. They pigeonholed me and decided that I was a heathen long before they had even met me. They have continually torn me down with their words and actions over the years based on this twisted view of who I am and the family that I came from.

Not only does this affect how they see me, but it also affects how they see their grandkids. My supposedly “bad” spiritual upbringing has led my wife and me to do the same with our girls. My mother-in-law was the worst at pointing that out with her subtle digs – “Maybe they need Jesus” – to every problem imaginable. More of that unwarranted parenting advice that is not really helpful...

A good example of spiritual abuse happened early on in our marriage when we returned home from a young adult's missions conference in the US. Our love for taking the Gospel to the nations is what brought us together in the first place and we returned from this conference pretty pumped.

A week after we returned home, I got an email from my mother-in-law that basically went along these lines: “I forbid you to take my daughter on the mission field because you have not experienced the baptism of the Spirit as evidenced by speaking in tongues. And because you are not born of the Spirit, God will never bless any ministry work of your hands.” (my paraphrase)

Umm, Thank you?!?

This is nothing but shaming and condemning. Being manipulative. Nothing but spiritual gaslighting with the intent to lead me to question my own identity in the Lord, their salvation and exert control. Using what I consider a toxic and twisted spiritual means to prey on and manipulate me to do their will. To push me to conform to their worldly expectation instead of conformity (and obedience) to Christ.

Now we can have differing opinions on secondary theological issues, such as spiritual gifts. That doesn't make anyone less of a believer than the next person. The same can be said with non-spiritual issues such as politics.

On the other hand, I think we have lost the ability to engage in grace-filled discourse on spiritual issues. We are too dogmatic on the lesser issues of faith while neglecting the more important ones – or, as Jesus would say – those things that are more “weightier.” We are way too quick to trade holiness and brotherly love for the ability to win an argument. Usually, it is an argument that doesn't bear on the Kingdom or eternity.

You see, we can have orthodox (right) belief, serve in Christian ministry, have an emotional “worshipful” connection and even have God do the miraculous through us – and even after all of that – at the gates of eternity, we can still hear Christ say “I never knew you; depart from me...” (Matt 7:21-23)

This is a sobering verse that should kill any form of religious dogma and remind us of the fact that only a relationship with Christ matters.

For the record, I don't adhere to the Pentecostal doctrine that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is evident through the speaking of tongues. But I do believe that the full gambit of spiritual gifts, including tongues and prophecy, are active today and are to be exercised in the church according to what is laid out in Scripture. I'm definitely not a cessationist.

I am also more of a believer that the Spirit is evident in a person by the fruits (of the Spirit) they exhibit. Fruit that is produced by abiding in Christ (John 15). The gifts of the Spirit have much less to do with flexing a supernatural power and authority but are seen as a means to equip the believer to exalt Christ. To make Him look great.

Often, as is the case with my inlaws, “Spiritual Power” is conflated with worldly power (namely political), influence, authority and dominance.

I have been very charitable with my inlaws' beliefs in this area. I have never made it a matter of first importance, used it as a weapon, or questioned their salvation (like they had done with me). I sat and listened to all the Benny Hinn and John Hagee sermons they put on the TV in those early days. I read a lot of the books that they were reading. All with a humble view to learn and better understand. I watched and read Kenneth Copeland and Andrew Wommack when they jumped on those bandwagons. I approached it all with humility and openness. An openness that God might still teach me something new about himself... even though, after some robust examination, I fundamentally disagree with a lot of the theology that was being expounded by these teachers.

Again, my inlaws never approached me or what I believed in this way. They have NEVER asked me what I believe in regards to any of this. I was instantly wrong, and they were always right. Always making sure they were seen as being correct and spiritually superior. I just needed to submit and conform to their expectations – to willingly drink the Kool-Aid. In their eyes, I was some project that needed to be spiritually fixed.

Though I no longer have that original email (the one after the missions conference), the above email was sent to my parents in Australia only a few months later. It underscores well the spiritual abusiveness of my inlaws.

Before I unpack all of this, I understand the fear that my inlaws felt regarding the mission field and the particular country mentioned in this letter. I witnessed my own mother work through this same fear when I first went there in 2004. My mum, however, got to that place of release through much prayer, trust in the Lord and by doing a world missions course with me as I prepared for my trip. My dad even did the course after I came back. I am so thankful for the peace that the Lord gave them and their prayerful support when I went. They took the time to listen and understand.

On the contrary, my inlaws chose to manipulate me through some over-dramatic and hyper-spiritualized means. To question my judgment and knowledge of a country that I have been to the issues there, or my leadership or faith.

Honestly, I think it's a bit rich being told that I know nothing about the people or the Gospel work in a country that I had actually lived in for a time – especially by someone who has never travelled beyond Disneyland or who doesn't keep up with world events outside of what my Father-in-law deems newsworthy from his echo chamber.

Here's the thing with this email, though; my wife and I were nowhere close to going abroad to do missionary work. We never started any process. Yes, it was a common love that we both shared (and it is what brought us together in the first place). And yes, we talked about it a lot – my missionary trip, her missionary trips, and us dreaming about where God might call us. We were young and passionate about our faith.

We had never decided on a particular country, region or people group. We were still in the process of prayerfully working these things out. In fact, the Lord led us into pastoral ministry in CANADA a month after this email was sent.

My inlaws over-sensationalized a possible scenario and made it into some form of “Chicken Little” hysteria by trying to manipulate us into not going and to gaslight my parents into helping them intervene. Manipulating using fear. Their fear.

I can see the irony here, too – they belittled people over “fear” during the pandemic, yet they are allowed to “conveniently” show fear here. Solely because it benefits them. This is so self-centred and hypocritical.

My father-in-law did the same to my sister-in-law when she had planned to go to Africa early during the pandemic. Carrying on and bemoaning – nothing but manipulation born out of fear.

Something that I have learned over the years is that the weight of hyper-spiritualized guilt can be overwhelming and crushing. And that's the point. That is why they use it. It's about pummelling you repeatedly so they can power and control over you.

Though the original email (after the conference) was pretty abrasive & blunt, this one was more of a veiled shot at the same things – namely, my faith, judgment and spiritual maturity. You can see this easily in the sentence:

“If this is of Him at all.”

In 7 simple words, my mother-in-law has questioned our faith and whether we are actually filled with and being led by the Spirit. More so, she questioned our judgment. It's the same horrid Satanic lie as in the first email – just cloaked and sent to my parents instead.

Again, who belittles someone's child and their faith and self-worth?

Then there is the gross misquoting and hyper-spiritualization of the “three confirmations” thing from Scripture. None of these actually function (in the Biblical sense) the way my inlaws use them.

Upon my research, most of the passages of Scripture that get “cherry-picked” to form the basis of these three witnesses/confirmation beliefs all have to do with accountability in the community of faith. Again, there is some form of irony there...

That said, I think the premise behind it still holds. I actually like it. It's a good and spiritually mature thing to do – to prayerfully seek God's leading – which my wife and I try to do when making our decisions.

But just because my inlaws don't agree with something doesn't mean God isn't in it. That's pretty crass and arrogant. This is just a form of Pharisaism. It is more of their religious superiority complex.

Then, there was their patronizing explanation to my believing parents. What's the theological equivalent of “mansplaining”?

This whole three-confirmation thing reeks of hypocrisy too. Throwing this misguided belief around is just another convenient way to use the Holy Spirit to manipulate. Let's be honest; there is no way that my mother-in-law, with all her reckless impulsivity, sought 3 confirmations before sending any of her letters and emails. There is just no way. If she had done so by seeking God's leading before she wrote much of the stuff she had over the years – then I wouldn't be writing this post at all, would I?

This example of spiritual abuse is based purely on hypocrisy and convenience.

Then, there is my mother-in-law's quip about “standing opposed.”

You know what? We are freaking adults, a married couple, no longer under the authority of our parents. Only God. That is the whole point of that “leave and cleave” thing in Scripture. You can stand opposed all you want. It wouldn't have made a lick of difference. First and foremost, we strive to be obedient to God.

And that's the thing – I don't think they once came alongside and sincerely prayed for us in 18+ years. Not a single sincere instance outside of the act of “Prayer Shaming” us at the dinner table during grace... just mouthing, under the guise of prayer, some abusive, manipulative hyper-spiritual crap that was purely based on their opinion and what they wanted. I might be reaching here, but I can guess they often “prayed against us” when we weren't compliant with their wants and wishes.

I don't think in all these years have they asked us, “How can we be praying for you”?

This whole scenario illustrates some major spiritual pride issues and blindness. It is clear that being led by the Spirit is only second to their need for control, their desire for (worldly) power and authority, and the self-importance that comes with that.

Years later, we see this kind of thing happen again. This time, we went through the adoption process with our oldest daughter. They contacted my parents via phone call to enlist their help in persuading us not to adopt a special needs or native child through our local child and family services.

Once again, they attempted to gaslight my parents with hyper-spiritualized language and a twisted lie about God not being in this adoption process. In their eyes, this adoption is outside God's will and will make life hard for our family.

What they really mean is “their” family.

Reading between the lines, they have their prejudices and don't want you to poke at them about how you're living your life, even if your life is being faithfully and prayerfully led by God. It is easier to manipulate the narrative about someone else, so you don't have to deal with your shortcomings, sin and need for God's grace.

A child with a disability...A native kid. Or going back to that earlier email – taking the Gospel to those horrible, dangerous Muslims.

They were super uncomfortable with us adopting a child with a disability. We had many comments about “praying the disability away” in those early days. There was also a book or two on their shelves that had a similar focus. And it took many years for my father-in-law to warm to and accept our daughter.

You'll also see later on, in my bit, about my father-in-law's sermon – these prejudices also extend to anyone who is not politically conservative to the same extent as him. You differ the slightest, and you are viewed as “a dirty liberal and/or heathen.”

Don't believe me? Look at his older Facebook posts.

Anyway, all these things make them squirm and feel very uncomfortable. Even with the explicit commands in Scripture to do these things – care for the orphan, go to the nations with the Gospel, etc. – they will twist the things of faith to avoid what we, as believers, are actually called to do in Christ.

It is funny that people can use the Holy Spirit as an excuse to be disobedient and not follow the will of God.

As I process and write about all of the above, this is my major takeaway (so far):

The abuse has never been about conformity to Christ. It has never been about where I am in my faith or my spiritual identity. It is simply about conforming to their will and worldly aspirations and meeting their self-serving agenda. It reflects what captivates their heart. It reflects what is important to them – even if we just wanted to be loved and supported.

So, back to that original email: How has it affected things over the years?

If I'm being honest, I didn't really think too much of it at the time. Its effect became apparent many years later when we were going through the hurt we experienced in my last pastoral charge. During that dark time, I had planned to take my life. To hang myself in the basement when my wife and kids weren't home. I even got as far as rigging up the noose.

In that darkest of times, my mother-in-law's words from that email (along with the church events at the time) came flooding back. It led me to believe that the traumatic events in our last church resulted from my standing with the Lord. A lack of His blessing. His disapproval. It was a satanic and insidious lie whispered in the dark.

By the grace of God, I could not go through with it. That's two instances of possible self-harm that have been brought on by my inlaws' actions and words...

A number of years ago, my mother and sister-in-law came down to look after the girls so my wife and I could get away for a couple of days to celebrate our wedding anniversary. That was generous of them, and we were thankful for the opportunity.

As you can tell, my wife and I have very different spiritual and moral values from those of my inlaws. Before we left, we asked them to refrain from speaking to the girls about anything spiritual. They agreed, and so we went.

When we got home, and only after they hastily left, we found out from our daughters that my mother-in-law took it upon herself to give an emotional retelling of the story of the tower of Babel because the girls had a snafu.

What became apparent when the girls were replaying what was said was that my mother-in-law twisted the story in an attempt to manipulate and shame the girls into a certain behaviour.

“If you fight, you won't be able to accomplish anything!”

That's not even remotely close to what the biblical story is about... or how the book portrays it. You can watch the actual story from the book here.

Yes, fighting is not the best behaviour... but it's part of life together and kids growing up. This was a graceless abuse of authority and, in my opinion, more spiritual gaslighting – this time aimed at our children.

I'm thankful that my girls knew the true Gospel message of that story.

When my wife called out my inlaws about what had happened, my mother-in-law confessed to willingly disrespecting our wishes. But what was even more astounding, in a follow-up email, was the fact that she doubled down on it and essentially told us that she was a teacher (in the spiritual sense) and that it was her right to impart spiritual stuff to her grandchildren.

Wow! The sense of entitlement. I DO NOT want my children to share in the same enslaving, destructive and life-draining faith as my inlaws. Look at this entire post... does any of this scream “a faithful witness” that one should emulate? Look at the hurt that we have experienced firsthand.

She misused the Jesus' storybook bible, which lays out the Gospel in each story very straightforwardly. You cannot get it wrong if you read it as is. But she decided to ab-lib and twist the story. Take the Gospel and twist it into some form of manipulative false teaching to get the girls to stop fighting.

I was so angered that the same behaviour that had detrimentally affected me over the years was now used on my children. A twisting of the Scriptures to manipulate.

But that's at the heart of all the hurt we have experienced over 18+ years. It's this narcissism, spiritual pride and religious superiority that my inlaws have.

That they have some special calling, knowledge or power from the Holy Spirit that gives them the authority to do and say what they want. Often selfishly, impulsively, unlovingly, and without any thought to how it might wound.

Like the Pharisee beating his chest in self-exaltation while disparaging others.

My father-in-law said as much in one of his sermons – proudly self-affirming that he was “born into the fire” or some spiritualized ego garbage like that.

Pride and entitlement are at the core of narcissism.

It is not just our little family that has experienced this destructive behaviour. It's a toxic pattern that has been seen throughout their relationships with other family members, friends, and church folk. It even led to them getting kicked out of the para-church ministry they were volunteering with. Ironically, for disrespecting that ministry's leadership and sowing discord. And we came to this conclusion based solely on what my inlaws had told us about the incident. It was glaringly obvious as we listened.

Let me be clear: the Holy Spirit doesn't make you an asshole. It doesn't leave a multitude of spiritually and emotionally broken people behind the proverbial bus that you are driving. The Holy Spirit isn't a weapon to club the sheep over the head with, to exert control through spiritual disparaging, nor is the Holy Spirit used as a “temple prostitute” for our own gratification or to satisfy our lust for power, control or worldly significance.

In all that has happened, I cannot help but wonder, how does all of this point to the greatness of Christ? It doesn't. If I were an unbelieving on-looker or family member, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with this garbage. I can fully understand why many people are antagonistic toward the Christian faith.

I have a godly mate (a pastor friend) who has listened to me share about this abuse over the years. He has listened, prayed and given wise counsel. He has repeatedly given me a loving rebuke as I have struggled with the many lies my inlaws have spoken over me.

I can actually hear him now as I write this – “Dave, those are all a lie from the pit of Hell!”

It has taken me many years to realize that these words are all a lie, that there is no truth in them at all, and that the gateway to that hellish pit has been, unfortunately, the lips of my inlaws.

Saying the Quiet Part, Out Loud – Abused From the Pulpit. {↑}

One of the most hurtful events recently happened when my father-in-law did some pulpit supply at the church they attend.

I'll be honest: My Father-in-law's sermon was everything I expected. A theological and abusive trainwreck. It was probably one of the worst sermons that I have ever heard. I don't think you can even call it a sermon, let alone “Christian.” It was basically a far-right political rant, an extension of his Facebook ranting, pushing an angry, loveless and hyper-spiritualized political worldview, bemoaning how he and my mother-in-law were persecuted because of COVID while at the same time doing a lot of self-exaltation. Whiny, entitled and grievance-filled.

Basically, it was a giant man-tantrum from the pulpit.

It was horribly political. Heavily influenced by (North) American exceptionalism, white Christian nationalism & the prosperity gospel. In my opinion, an unholy trinity that is the antithesis of the Kingdom and beauty of the Gospel that Jesus preached.

It, unfortunately, highlights the level of political idolatry in some Christian circles. And there is a lot of it in my inlaws' circles. Adhering to conservative politics (and hating Liberals) is kin to the baptism of the Spirit in most cases.

And boy, does it make me want to vomit... 🤮 🤮 🤮

Did I mention there was a lot of self-exaltation happening from the pulpit also? So much talk about himself... his “opinions.” And even less about Jesus.

I'll be very blunt here; his sermon was false teaching. My father-in-law is a false teacher. One cannot escape this fact after hearing this sermon. The Holy Spirit leads faithful preachers to proclaim and exalt Christ, not exalt themselves. It does not push any political agenda – left or right – no matter how much one tries to reconcile politics with things of the Kingdom. What was preached was a horrible distortion of the Gospel. Loveless, entitled, self-exalting and without the hope of Jesus.

Also, you cannot supposedly preach on end times, trying to make sense of our current times, without preaching about the hope that is found in Jesus.

Yes, I know that I'm being very uncharitable with my assessment. But the preaching of the Word is a serious thing. It is something that I'm called to. It is something that I am very passionate about. I always have been. The Spirit in me is grieved by this kind of garbage; horrible lies and distortions peddled as the Gospel. The Gospel is non-negotiable. It is of first importance, unlike those secondary issues that I mentioned above. Plus, Scripture is very clear about the consequences of (unrepentant) preaching of another gospel.

Like I have said numerous times above, many unqualified people have titles, are in leadership, and are out there “preaching” and shouldn't be doing so. And my father-in-law is one of them. I literally threw up a little when he was introduced as “Pastor” before taking the pulpit.

Preaching is not about you getting your 15-60 minutes of fame; or a platform where you can push your hyper-spiritualize political opinions beyond your 20 Facebook followers.

Can you tell that I'm majorly irked by this sermon's (lack of) “theological content”?

It is also a major red flag when you talk about yourself more than Jesus in a sermon. When you have to self-affirm your (prophetic) gifting and supposed “Spiritual Authority” more than preaching the glorious riches of the Gospel. Even in a testimony – Jesus is the hero of YOUR story. He should still be the focus. He should still be the one exalted.

In all my years as a believer, I have never seen that level of narcissism come from a pulpit. Well, perhaps on TV with some of those kooky TV preachers trying to peddle some hyper-spiritualized crap.

I'm sorry, but my inlaws aren't pastors, preachers or prophets. Their witness, their actions and their words over the years come as a direct contradiction to how a supposedly spirit-filled believer should act. It's all about power and control for them. It's about how they feel; experience that power and control. I'm grieved by what they have done in the name of the Lord.

Back to the sermon...

There was also very little Scripture used in the sermon, except for a handful of those hyper-charismatic dog-whistle verses that contain words like “power,” “authority,” “prosper,” “prophesy,” “bind,” etc. – often grossly misquoted and taken out context. However, sprinkling in these verses like Tinker Bell's fairy dust somehow makes even the most Gospel-anemic talk seem like you're bringing the roaring fire of the Spirit. 🔥🔥🔥

But what was equally troubling was the fact that the church and its leadership gave my father-in-law a platform to preach this garbage in the first place. From what I understood from the sermon, the Senior Pastor knew what would be said and allowed it. Totally reprehensible. A shepherd protects the sheep, not allowing wolfish behaviour and false teaching to be spewed from the pulpit.

I think Diane Langberg hits the nail on the head:

I'm just thankful the church had the sense to take the sermon down from its YouTube channel.

Now for what really shocked us...

In his “sermon,” my Father-in-law decided to make an example out of my wife and me. He said a lot of disparaging and hurtful things that were mainly based on a bunch of lies or sensationalized half-truths. He made an example of us as a means to suit his political agenda. We became one big sermon illustration to fit his hyper-spiritualized political narrative.

Firstly, as I said above, we never cut them off because of COVID. However, he repeatedly stressed this point in the sermon. We genuinely pursued them and tried to keep in contact with them. I'll explain it again like a broken record – I drove a care package for six hours. I wrote encouraging emails. My wife went up and cleaned their house. Yes, we followed the government guidelines. This was not done out of fear or because we had bought into a dark lie, as it was inferred in the sermon.

Rather, we believed (and still do) that it was an opportunity to show God's love and be a good neighbour in the midst of a world filled with turmoil and upheaval. Even when we got those vitriolic responses to our caring emails – any pushback from us was along those lines – we were graciously firm in communicating how we believed God was leading us to “love others” by following the COVID guidelines.

But remember – if your life and how you're living don't conform to theirs, well, then you are wrong; you might even be seen as following Satan. Yes, that was alluded to in the sermon.

The only other COVID-related thing that I can think of was us asking them to consider how it would make our children feel if they gave their grandparents the virus. That was a fair ask. I think it's alright to ask “supposedly” spiritually mature adults to consider someone other than themselves. I believe the Apostle Paul wrote something along those lines in Philippians 2.

It was not the grand-scale persecution that my father-in-law made out in this sermon. It did not stop us from visiting them when an opportunity presented itself. We still visited them over the course of the pandemic. Even stayed at their house.

Remember, they stopped visiting us 2 years before the pandemic had even hit. They never took up our invitation to regularly call... so no, we didn't persecute them.

As I said, it's just a tantrum.

Now for the kicker...

Any “cutting them off” was due to the boundaries that we had set not being respected and because of the ongoing abuse. Therefore, we decided to distance ourselves. It was not because of COVID. We communicated that as such. They chose not to believe it, and he twisted that truth in his sermon. I'll talk more about the boundaries later.

Back to the sermon...

You could almost hear the disdain in my father-in-law's words when he talked about my wife and her profession in light of Covid during his sermon... “My RN daughter told us to do the responsible thing” (or something along those lines).

Is caring about someone such a bad thing? He chose to show public disdain and mockery for his daughter, who worked hard during the pandemic serving others. It wasn't a fabricated conspiracy – I heard the stories and saw the toll it took on her; the sleepless nights, the stress and the tears. If he had even cared to call and ask, he wouldn't be making these kinds of comments in a public forum, let alone a community of faith.

No consideration whatsoever. Such a loveless and crass remark. It's a disgusting trait to unfairly stomp over someone as a means to elevate yourself... especially when you stomp on your faith-believing daughter.

But remember if your faith doesn't look like theirs, then you are basically a heathen...

My father-in-law then proceeded to retell an event that happened when we visited one March. At the time, I was majorly hurt and irked as I had recently found out from my wife (and her parents) that a lot of these abusive issues had pre-dated my arrival in Canada. I even tried to push past that and have dinner with them the night before at WEM – only to be ignored for the entire meal.

It was hard news to take after going through it for many years. I felt majorly betrayed by “family” over here. So yes, I was a little edgy. And yes, I could have acted a little differently. But it's not like I went crazy on anyone... I didn't even raise my voice. I just refused to come inside their home.

In his retelling, he told this seemingly beautiful story of God using my children to melt my heart as I came into the house. Apparently, them coming over, hugging me and asking me questions provided a much-needed spiritual breakthrough at the moment.

Barf! 🤮 That sounds like some crappy Hallmark movie.

It is very common in our family that when we enter the house, even after the shortest time apart, we as parents engage with our children. We talk with them. We hug and kiss them. We ask how they are doing. I am unashamedly affectionate and encouraging with my children. It is a normal, everyday part of our lives.

Isn't this a normal family thing?!?! I must be naive.

As told by him, this story became nothing more than another unhealthy dose of gaslighting. He is taking a very normal thing in our small family's life and hyper-spiritualizing it, once again, to fit his narrative and elevate his illusion of spiritual grandeur. Remember, he was “born into fire.” 🙄

He was over-sensationalizing a normal thing that any aspiring godly parent would do with their children. It wasn't a spiritual breakthrough but a normal rhythm of our everyday lives. An act of everyday grace that doesn't need to be publicized as something super spiritual from the pulpit.

If my inlaws had taken any interest in our family – they would have known that this is how we do life together. God does amazing things in the dull ordinariness of life – it doesn't always have to rain down “Holy Spirit fire” from Heaven. God is just as present in the quiet everyday routines that we find ourselves in.

Anyway, he then moved on to recount the conversation that followed between them and me. This was very hard to listen to because he was selective in what he retold and even dishonest about some of the things he chose to share. A lot of it was a twisted narrative.

From my perspective, we talked. I got to share how detrimental my mother-in-law's email(s) and their critical nature had been over the years. How their lack of support really hurt our small family. Their constant obsession with our material prosperity. Blah blah blah, you get my drift.

There were the usual apologies, excuses and tears from them – the standard response anytime we try to address any of these issues with my inlaws. We gave a goodbye hug and went home. That's the extent of it. Things were said, but no resolution or heart change was made. And we constantly do this dance with my inlaws; it is freaking exhausting and demoralizing and often comes with the same results. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over?

Yes, every time we pray, we hope this will be when things will change for the better. Obviously, after listening to this sermon – we were wrong. Again.

In his recap of this event, I found it very hypocritical and devastating that he talked about me believing a lie, believing/following the dark side (Am I in Star Wars now?).

In fact, throughout his entire sermon, this is what he inferred when he talked about my wife and me... We are constantly living in the dark, essentially following Satan because our faith and values are different from theirs, and we chose wrongly in our response to the world events at the time.

Really, God could have given Jen and me a booming audible voice from Heaven with a command to act the way we did – and still, my inlaws would cry afoul and spiritually tear us down like in the sermon.

Again, this is another good example of their spiritual superiority complex and spiritual deafness. More of their chest-thumping Pharisaism.

Furthermore, any sincerity and hope of reconciliation that came out of that March meeting was essentially destroyed by that sermon. Didn't I spend all of that time in March explaining the devastating effects of those emails? The devastating hurt, over the years, brought on by your questioning of my faith? Meddling in our lifves through manipulation and abuse?

And now you go and do the same thing in a sermon... You were quick to point out the lies that I believe. Still, you forgot to tell people who the mouthpiece was that repeatedly spoke them over me, over our family.

Actually, this sermon was worse than the email. The email, at least, was private. My father-in-law, wanting to elicit both sympathy and adulation through his twisted narrative, did it in a public venue. A church.

He chose to vilify and tear my wife and me down in front of other believers, all in an attempt to exalt himself and push his ideologies. That is disgusting. That is a new level of horridness and evil, even for my inlaws.

Finally, the absence of what I actually said in his recollection is quite telling.

We actually had them visit a couple of months later on Mother's Day. Yup. They got to spend time with our family, watch our daughter play soccer and had my wife make them a lovely breakfast on the Sunday. Does that really scream hate and persecution?

Oh course, he wouldn't dare share those facts with the congregation that day – especially as it didn't aid in the narrative that he was trying to peddle.

And lets not forget, just six weeks after we invited them back into our home and lives again – we were rewarded with this horrible hate-filled, deceitful sermon about us. No wonder we had decided to pull away...

It's basically the justification of their sin by its omission. By ignoring it. By minimizing it. Often it's blame-shifted onto us to hide their sin. Obfuscation of the truth in an attempt to “keep up appearances.” Acting like the consummate politicians who spin-doctor the details, or they just outright lie.

Again, to make themselves look spiritually great and garner praise and influence. Fabricating the narrative to suit their own agenda. Very politician-like... treading on your own family to get ahead.,,,

Something had been bugging me up to this point, and I couldn't put my finger on it until now...

Over the years, I have pretty much given my father-in-law a “free pass” for a lot of the hurt that has been done to us. We have always assumed that my mother-in-law was the vocal and seemingly opinionated one who wrote all the letters.

I have always thought that my father-in-law was just a passive participant in all of her schemes, just going along with them, allowing his name to be willingly added to the horrible stuff that she said and wrote.

However, after hearing the lies and disparaging comments in his sermon, I can now see that he has been complicit in the abuse, if not the one driving it... Remember that this sermon was him “saying the quiet part out loud.”

Here are another couple of examples...

Remember, I said my father-in-law heavily influences and controls the flow of information for my mother-in-law. I once responded to something they had done with an email pointing out they were being very emotionally and spiritually abusive. I used those exact words. In one of my Mother-in-law's vitriolic reactions to something that occurred afterwards, she accused my wife and me of calling them “Child Molesters.”

I have never used that language or called anyone that, let alone my inlaws. As someone who often worked with abused children, I wouldn't even contemplate using such language. Not even lightly or as a joke.

So, where did this thought come from?!? Why use this language when we didn't use it?

This whole “child molester” chirp is a good indication of the worldly conspiracy theories that my father-in-law believes. A heart captivated by bad theology and bad politics. Twisting his reality. Beliefs that further prey on his grievances and fuel his sense of entitlement.

Even more so, he was sensationalizing this belief to emotionally manipulate. My father-in-law didn't fully (and correctly) relay the message of our email to my mother-in-law. He lied. He twisted what was said and gaslit his own wife. Based on that lie, he then got her riled up and mad and allowed her to spew vitriol at us.

Who the hell does that?!?! That is some next-level of scheming...

Again, it makes you wonder how much of the content and hurt in this post was due to him. How much was it due to his gaslighting that led my mother-in-law to hurt so many people over the years with her letters, emails and messages?

After my mother-in-law passed away, he wrote this large multi-page document that detailed his actions (or lack of actions) during the last few months of her life.

When it came to his recount of the day she died, he wrote this about my wife's reaction... (click to enlarge)

Except, this was a fabrication — a lie. This is my father-in-law taking my wife's grief and twisting it to suit his narrative— just another attempt to gaslight. Another attempt to justify the hurt and sweep it away like it's nothing. To once again exalt himself while playing the victim.

That is being an emotionally abusive twat. A narcissist. The last 18 years are starting to make more sense in light of all this...

Words as A Weapon – Insincerity & Narcissism {↑}

You might think that I'm being unloving and uncharitable by sharing all of this, and you might be right.

But what I want to make clear is that my wife and I have always sought to follow the Bible by coming to my inlaws to work through the hurt, seek reconciliation and see the relationship restored. We try hard always to forgive even though this pattern of toxicity and hurt keeps repeating.

Unfortunately, when we do, we are met with a change of subject that focuses on their misery and hardships or a long stretch of silence with no contact as a punishment or are told that we are being oversensitive and overreacting. Hmm... does any of this look like an overreaction?

I have even had my father-in-law tell us he is too old to change. Not too old – just unwilling. Unwilling because it would mean focusing on someone other than himself.

At the crux of it, we rarely get a sincere apology and are often made to feel that it is our fault or that it's not a big deal.

My father-in-law has never apologized for the hurt; it often came (insincerely, mind you) from my mother-in-law. When the thing went down with my job, I sent him a message asking why they did what they did. I never got a response. Nothing but silence from him. You'd think the Holy Spirit or at least a little bit of human empathy (or shame) would have elicited a response, an apology or something. But deep down, just as my mother-in-law justified it initially, it is obvious that he feels the same. That they did the right thing. To heck with the consequences – especially if it doesn't come back on them.

MIL Letter Sept 2022

In this abusive letter from my mother-in-law, which was in response to our displeasure at the sermon (and its consequences), you can see that they still don't believe they did anything wrong. Like always, they never take responsibility. They are never held accountable by their church leadership, either. In fact, their current church leadership has supported them through patronizing and condescending responses to us – based on a manipulated story from my inlaws.

It's the same old, same old.

This handwritten letter sums up this whole post and the relationship with my inlaws beautifully. It is nothing but another toxic tantrum, a vile piece of emotional manipulation that abdicates any real responsibility for the hurt that has been done. Shifting the blame, once again, to us as the “unforgiving ones.” It's just another veiled dig at how horrible my wife and I are for our unforgiveness. That they are constantly subjected to our wrath. This cannot be further from the truth.

She also said, “If you are going to blame someone, blame me.”

No, we don't need to blame you for the sermon. You didn't write it. You didn't preach it. He did. He needs to take responsibility for what he said.

The most heartbreaking thing about this letter is the fact that this was the last coherent thing my Mother-in-law had said to me before she passed away. Defiant and unrepentant to the very end. Again no willingness on their part to reconcile. Again, we just aren't worth it...

And if I'm being honest, my level of grace has been tapped out with all of this. Did my inlaws consider the emotional, spiritual and physical toll of their repeated abuse over the years? The nervous breakdowns? Loss of calling and career? The abuse that led to me contemplating taking my life – TWICE? The slow breaking down of my identity over the years with lots of satanic spiritual lies sprouted by them? No! Of course not. They cannot do any wrong. Everything revolves around them!

Yet I'm expected to care deeply about my father-in-law sobbing (which, to a certain level, I do). To care about his seemingly over-the-top emotional reaction to us holding him/them accountable for more hurt and abuse; to apologize for finally standing up for ourselves... This, unfortunately, leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really have zero emotional capacity left for this manipulative garbage from them.

It is glaringly obvious that narcissism drives this relationship. As I have repeatedly pointed out – it is always about them.

One of the books that have helped me see the pattern of the abuse (along with therapy) is Shannon Thomas' Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse. As you have probably noticed, I have already shared some of her tweets in this post, but I really like this quote:

“A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.”

And this relationship feels like that a lot of the time. The sermon and angry letters all feel like they are scolding us FOR WHAT THEY have done.

Don't Fence Me In – Establishing Boundaries and Creating distance {↑}

So where does this leave me/us?

Firstly I say, “I Forgive them”. I have said that numerous times over the years, and I sincerely mean it, regardless of how hard it is. And it does get harder and harder as things pile up.

And I do care for my inlaws. In some ways, I still wanted things to improve and have a good relationship with them (but this desire has diminished over time for obvious reasons). For my children to have a happy and loving relationship with them.

But really, at what cost? Over the years, they have made it abundantly clear that it's all our fault, that it's our issue to deal with and that this relationship isn't worth the hard work of repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

We need to forgive them and pretend all is “hunky dory.”

But forgiveness doesn't mean you get a blank cheque. It doesn't mean you can abuse someone's grace by repeatedly hurting them and then demand further forgiveness. Do we go to Jesus and DEMAND forgiveness for our sins? I sure hope not. It's graciously given. Not demanded. I'm pretty sure Paul addresses that attitude in Romans 6.

Scripture is also clear, in the context of community, that if someone is repeatedly unrepentant, we are to distance ourselves from them and their sinful actions (Matt 18:15-20).

I often think about all of this in relation to how I would counsel someone in a marriage after years of repeated abuse with very little effort made regarding change, repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

Would I counsel them to stay? No, I wouldn't. So should we stay in this abusive relationship?

More from Diane Langberg, this time on repentance:

We only get shallow apologies from my inlaws (if any). As I have said, we have never been met with repentance. There has never been any concerted effort in regard to change. We follow the same toxic pattern over and over again.

So, initially, my wife and I got to the point where we needed to put boundaries in place and be strong about communicating and enforcing those boundaries.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are Biblical. Having boundaries does not cheapen the work of repentance or forgiveness in a relationship, nor does it hinder a relationship's growth. Boundaries are good.

For me personally and for the sake of my mental health, the plan was that I would no longer stay with them, engage in spiritual matters or worship with them at church anymore. I have blocked their phone number and email. I have asked my wife not to give them much information about me – out of fear of being “fixed” or becoming a sermon illustration or a focal point of their prayer-gossip groups. I won't allow them to force their toxic opinions, manipulate my wife or drive a wedge into my marriage anymore.

As for the girls, as I mentioned above, I am happy for them to have a relationship with my inlaws. However, this needs to be monitored with strict guidelines, especially regarding spiritual issues. They don't share the same values as my wife and me, so we need to limit their influence in that area. Frankly we do not trust them with their hearts.

This means we won't give them unfettered access to the girls via social media or email. This is self-explanatory, given my inlaw's history of coercive, shaming and often mean-spirited writing. It sounds harsh, but it is needed.

As a side: this was the ONLY mode of communication (email/social) that we had decided to implement boundaries with in regards to our girls. I have repeatedly said throughout this post that we invited them to regularly call.

That being said, the boundaries only worked for a time. We grew tired and complacent in enforcing them. In part due to the fact that hotel rooms are so freaking expensive – but also because we dropped our guard, foolishly, hoping that things would change for the better.

And they are both masterful manipulators – finding new ways to weasel back into our lives... often by playing the victim card or pulling on the heartstrings with their hardships.

However, they weren't willing to accept our wishes or work with us – that sermon exemplified that.

So, as a result, we have decided to break off most contact with them – outside of being able to reach my wife over email. We even got to the stage where we have told them that they aren't welcome in our home. Our home is our safe place. A place free from their negativity; free from their abusive nature.

It sucks, but the sermon was the last straw. But it is the right decision; a very hard decision for my wife, one that was never taken lightly. But we had to do it for our hearts and family's sake. We cannot continue to live with this constant emotional and spiritual abuse.

And while my mother-in-law was sick at the end, we did extend grace and love towards them. We visited as a family. My wife went and visited by herself. The day before she passed, we went up and spent time with them. It was a pleasant visit.

We put in the effort. Yet we are the unforgiving ones?!?!

Narcissistic entitlement. That is all it is – it's about them and what they feel they deserve.

Back to boundaries: Even in that, my father-in-law has resorted to snail mail to insert himself into our lives. By sending letters and cards – often not signed, blank or with passive-aggressive and “woe is me” comments. Like a bad smell or an obnoxious fart showing up...

And even worse than that – he reached out to a friend of mine to obtain information about our family. Not willing to actually do the hard work of coming to us, working with us to make things right; to listen and acknowledge the hurt. No, he chose an easy route to get “information” about our family.

He chose cheap information over a real two-way relationship. Again, I can hear “You're not worth the effort.”

In making this decision, we sought the wise counsel of some godly family and friends. Some were our pastors. Others were godly people that we trusted and respected. They all listened to the sermon, and they all said it was horribly abusive.

That it was another example in a long line of repeated spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of my in-laws. I had to ask some of them not to contact the church pastor on our behalf. Some of them were really pissed off.

Though we are still very grieved by having to make this decision, there is also a bit of relief (and vindication) that came from receiving that feedback. Relief that we aren't crazy. That we aren't being over-sensitive or easily offended (remember that this is my inlaws' favourite accusation to gaslight us with).

That there is something definitely toxic and dysfunctional happening in this relationship.

For years, I have been gaslit, being told that I am the problem. That I have essentially brought a curse/lack of blessing on my family because of my faith. Hearing that sounds highly irrational and bloody stupid. But that is how ingrained the abuse and lies have been over the years.

In further conversations with those godly friends, I realize now that I would not have found any form of acceptance from my inlaws unless I was just like them... and maybe I would still fall short in some way...

I just don't understand how they could look my family and friends straight in the eye at our wedding and promise to welcome me and take care of me. It was a lie. (unless the “taking care” was to obliterate my self-worth and identity).

I'm always left asking the question (in my best whiny voice) Why? Why all of this?

In my eyes, I only chose to love someone who I felt was well worth it... and I still do! So why have I been met with so much cruelty and disdain over the years from her family?

I know I will never get an answer.

Even with initiating things like boundaries, I feel like they have won somehow. I really regret giving them so much power over our lives. I regret that in my desire to have a loving relationship with them (which I now know I will never get), I lost some of the best years of my life – as a husband, father, basically as a whole person. The cruelty and misery that I allowed them to bring in has ultimately sucked a lot of the joy out of our lives.

And I feel guilty that it has affected our family's future. Robbed us of of our dreams. At one time, it even influenced us not to move back to Australia out of fear that it would upset my mother-in-law. I regret trading a loving, supportive network for my family for many years of indifference, abuse and misery. That fills me with so much guilt. My girls deserve so much better... I deserve so much better... but anyway ship has sailed...

So much power was given to them. That is on me. And I hate it. I wish I had clued into their abuse much sooner.

And that is what scares me. Even in the end, this hurt can still cost us everything. Yes, I realize I'm responsible for its effects and any of the decisions I have made in response to the hurt. I know that the “buck stops” with me regardless of what they have done – but man, Satan has used my inlaws over the years to hurt our small family...and I think we are only starting to scratch the surface of all that hurt.

#AbuseStory